Monday, April 20, 2009

Touching Base

    I have not been posting in here for a few days. Mostly, the reason for this is just general stress and anxiety. This whole thing with [*] ([*], aka [*]) has really hurt me deeply, and I am just not really in a frame of mind to write in here. But in the event anyone might be reading this, I do not want the impression to be given that I have (at least not yet) been taken out of circulation.
         After spending two months casually seeking [*], by the way, suddenly I am being overwhelmed by info, even when I am not actively seeking it. I had already gleaned her home address from the post office prior to service of the so-called order of protection ([*]); I had been holding off pursuing this in hopes of [*] following up on my invitation to meet and settle things, but her actions in calling my probation officer to cause me grief showed me she had no intention of doing so.
     But now I am being told by friends that she is back to working at Wendy's on Idaho, and that she is working at the hospital during the week. I had not really been pursuing finding her work, as I did not want to disturb her there. I also knew she was going to Friday Night Magic out at Heroic Realms on LaSalle every Friday night, but was not disturbing her there, either. I just wanted things to resolve peacefully. But I guess there's no getting that wish granted...
     All in all, I have just been aching in my heart and soul over all of this. I knew [*] had been manipulated and deceived, but until now it's always been others lying about me to her - but now she's lying about me herself, and that's just a whole new rip in my heart...
     I will survive, I imagine. Unfortunately, I always do. The question is, will there be anything left of who I really am when the dust settles, or am I going to just be some worthless husk...?
     I just feel so alone... And I am so tired of hurting all the time...

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